Second Trimester Scare

First off JJ and I are ok. Yesturday was the scariest day of my life. Around lunch I started heavy spotting. I called my doctor and they said to go to the nearest hospital immediately. Well I was in no condition to drive so Kay told his boss that he was either taking me to the hospital or calling an ambulance and walked out. The entire drive to the hospital I tried so hard to distract myself, especially when the cramping started. At teh hospital the nurse couldnèt find a heart beat and started saying things like probably having a misscarriage and these are not good signs. But the doctor wasnèt there so we went next door to the clinic, by this time it was getting hard to walk due to the pain, and saw the doctor. Worst mistake of the day. He couldnèt find a heartbeat and told me I was basically having a misscarriage and there was nothing he could do and he would book me an ultrasound for tomorrow 2 hours drive away. Thankfully me EMS knowledge kicked in I called a different hospital found my regular doctor and an ultrasound department that was open. We jumped back into the car drove another 45 minutes and spent the next 2 hours being blood tested, urine tested, and ultra sounded. By this time the cramps were become less (vs every 2 minutes). I love my doctor. Hes amazing. The ultra sound looks good, JJ didnèt disappoint he kicks and wiggles. At first he didnèt move but when they found the heartbeat I started to cry, I had been crying all afternoon but finally happy tears. Spent the next 30 minutes trying to get a good picture of him (the wiggler and now the kicker!). Doctor says that my cervix opend a bit causing bleeding. I am off work till after Christmas and am told to take it easy. I feel like I did a million situps yesturday my stomach is so sore. Kay was a rock the entire time, I knew he was scared but he held my hand and said all the right things, even going and getting food from Boston Pizza while we were waiting for the blood work to come back (not eating for 12 hours makes stress even worse). Emotionally exhausted, tired and sore we climbed into bed last night around 11pm and slept 10 hours. I now have a 25% chance of miscarring in my second trimester, if it happens again that jumps to 33% or worse. So taking it easy and moving slow today. So happy to hear about everyone doing so well and not having any scares. Hoping to stay in the boat now for the next 6 months.

And the wiggler makes 3!

Well we had our second ultrasound today and I feel so much better! JJ seems to have caught up in size, only lacking by 2 days! Grow baby grow! The blood clot and bleed on the placenta that was compromising JJ seems to have cleared up (this is what the ultrasound tech said not the Doctor! I will not hear from her for 2 more days at best). The best thing happened today while they were trying to measure JJ, he wouldnèt stop moving! Kept wiggling and kicking (hes 4 cm big how much can he move you askÉ) Well he can move ALOT! HE wiggled and kick till they had to wait for him. They babely got a heart rate, had to wait till the end when he was only waving his arms and streching his legs. I didnèt know they did that so early! Oh yes we now reffer to JJ as a him. Just easier that way. Not gonna find out till JJs born if its a boy or girl. 173 bpm. That seems high but he had been just moving loads.
Now for the interesting news. Turns out my sister just found out shes pregnant! I am gonna be an AUNTY! so excited! Except she found out about me being pregnant because we use the same doctors office and the nurses there told her I was pregnant. So mad at them. Its against the law in Canada to do that. Its confidental. But they told her when she went to book her prenatal. Shes about 2 weeks behind me, and so sick. Barely keeping food down, been in to the hospital twice for dehydration. I feel so bad for her. Shes my older sister and I want to help her but I cant. I offered a few tips that are helping me with my nausea, but the mere mention of watermelon and grapes made her vomit. YAh its bad. So between May and July we will have 3 babies born in our family. Hopefully. Still waiting to see what my doctor says, and my sister is VERY HIGH RISK. She broke her back years ago and all of her lumbar is fused. But I am starting to think maybe this will happen. Maybe I will get to be a mom and maybe have a beautiful little JJ. GReat now I am crying. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

153 BPM

Well its been confirmed. We are pregnant! Went for my ultra sound to monitor my cysts and there it is a gestational sac. 156 BPM. After the ultrasound we went to see a doctor, the appointment was about fertility but I guess not anymore. It was funny because she was reading my chart and looking at our scans and tests and kept saying "so you were taking no treatments for this to happen? Nothing to cause ovulation? Are you sure?" She is a wonderful Doctor and was a huge help since Kay and I pretty much spent the 10 of the 14 days in Cuba sick. For any of you who are Celiac or know anyone who is Celiac DO NOT GO TO CUBA! it was awful. We were so sick they kept giving us bread or flour covered food even after we learned enough Spanish to explain it to them. Then the resort put milk in everything so I was sick on top of that. We are still sick, Kay spent the night last night with his head in a toilet. An ways back to the topic at hand, The Doctor has said I can take pepto for the next 3 days to fight the sickness but after that I ave to go back to the hospital and there is nothing else I can take. We did get a lot of info yesterday that we are still processing. So good news and then not so good news.
Good News
Baby has a gestational sac and yolk sac, strong heart rate. I have 0 cysts to be found to endanger little one (I have never had an ultra sound where I didn't have at least 2 whoppers! Score!). Baby is in a good position in my uterus so no worries there.
Not so Good News
By my cycle they figure I should be around 8 weeks 3 days, but the only date we could have conceived baby should be 8 weeks 5 days, baby's sac size is 7 weeks 6 day. So good right? Baby is measuring 6 weeks 2 days. So small for what we expect. Doctor isn't jumping to conclusions but I have to go for another ultrasound in 2 weeks to monitor growth. She said if its not progressing like she wants then I will be flying back to see her. Did I mention shes an 16 hour drive from our house, in bad Canadian winter roads. She also thinks I have an auto immune disorder and has sent me to a specialist. This would explain the loss of food groups for me, but would mean I may lose more. She she is also worried about, shes concerned that I will struggle getting enough Calcium during this pregnancy. Rice milk and Soy milk here I come! Finally my home doctor, hes the only doctor I have ever had that I wold be comfortable with delivering my baby. But I found out today he does zero prenatal. He refusing to deliver babies. Once they are born he will resume being my family doctor but for now I have been pushed off to a team of doctors in a town an hour and a half drive away. And that's if everything goes good. If baby, which I have started to call JJ since Kays first name is James so James Junior, is healthy then I have no idea who will deliver him, if hes not healthy I have to travel back 16 hours south to deliver at the hospital here. Oh and I checked I am not allowed to work on ambulance past 3 months so I will be cutting down on that ASAP. Finally that doctor was so shocked that would could get pregnant naturally she told us that its very unlikely to happen again, kind of the winning the lottery twice thing. 
This is crazy. We wanted a baby and were prepared to travel to India to grow our family. And no we have this beautiful baby growing inside me, I started to cry when I saw the heart beat I didn't know it was possible to love something so much so fast. Heck even my cats I didn't want to keep when we first got them I planned to give Newman away till he was 6 months and no one wanted him. But this little JJ.... I want to hold her/him in my arms right now and protect them. I want to love them so much.
Well its 5 am here, jet lag sucks and Cuba belly sucks. guess I better make breakfast and pack for our flight home. Its gonna be a long day we are debating telling the parents today (just the parents since its early).

Chaos

As we get closer and closer to our two week holiday in a tropical location things start building up. Have to do this, have to run and get this done before we go! I have a stack of paperwork I have to do before we go but keep postponing it (note I am posting this instead of doing paperwork). Its been manageable until this morning. I was heading to work at 8am and caught gravel with my tire and started to fishtail. I compensated in the wrong direction and proceeded to spin completely into the ditch. After the two loud bangs and when the spinning stopped I turned off the car and got out. I had hit a barbwire fence but the engine and body of my car was OK (in the dark!). I called Kay (I was 1km from home!) and asked him to come get me. I started the car and pulled it out of the barbwire and out of the field. Luckily it was our field with our cows! I popped a tire and broke a fence post. The body of my car is scratched to shit with barbwire and there is a small dent from the post I broke (good thing it was an old post). Shaken up but OK I waited for Kay. His dad beat him there and after making sure I was OK he gave me a huge hug (L is a good man and I both respect him and love him). Then he took me to get a different car so I could still get to work. I was very lucky, I always wear my seat belt, I hit a spot int eh ditch that was level or I would have flipped, and I wasn't going fast enough to do anything but tip the car. So Lucky. But I have to say that after I had a hard time not touching my belly and thanking anything and everyone that I wasn't hurt and that hopefully if there is a little one on board he or she wasn't hurt either. 20 days till we see a doctor and find out if I am pregnant. I keep crossing my fingers and toes. So scared I will lose this baby. I have stopped taking all of my medications (my doctor told me that the moment I am pregnant I would have to stop because they can damage a baby), I have canceled my scuba trips in Cuba ( I was so looking forward to increasing my certification! oh well baby's health matters more). Hmmmm I can't think of anything else I should do while in Cuba? I don't drink or smoke. Can anyone think of something I will have to stay away from or stop while on vacation?
3 more days and off we go!

Breath

Guess I will come out and say it. I am 2 weeks late. So I took an at home test. Its positive. I think I am pregnant. The odds are staggering. The emotions are racing. We are leaving in 1 week for our Long awaited Honeymoon. Then as we fly back I am seeing a specialist to do an ultra sound and cyst count to see if my PCOS is getting worse. I think we will wait and if the ultra sound shows a little growing Kay jr. then we will know. But I have unusual hormones that can cause a false positive.
But so cannot sleep right now. I keep thinking if this is really happening, will I carry to term, will this affect my Cancer. SO scared right now. Kay is keeping a level head. He says wait and see what the ultra sound says and the doctor will be there to discuss it with us. I say .... breath.

One Year

So it has been about one year ago this week that Kay and I decided to start trying for a baby. We have had our ups and downs, but through all of it I have never doubted that he is the love of my life. We had no idea that a year after deciding to start trying we would be saving up to travel to India to have a surrogate carry our child to term. Its amazing what can happen in a year.

What we knew at the time
 - That adoption was an option for us and we were OK with that
 - That even though I had never tried to conceive getting pregnant would be hard
 - That my medical history made carring to term possibly risky
 - That to make up for the lack of children we would get a third cat
 - That we were both OK with the idea of never being parents, and instead "traveling and living an adult life" was a possible idea.

What we didn't know
  - We didn't know that it would take so long to see a specialist, let along 3
  - We didn't know that my Semen allergy was not treatable by a few pills
  - We didn't know that we would have to see more then 1 fertility specialist because my conditions are so rare.
- We didn't know that our attempt to adopt would hurt us so bably when we found out we couldn't
- We didn't know it was so expensive to receive fertility treatments in Canada
- We didn't know that it would be so hard to have people start asking us when we were going to start having babies.
- We didn't know that Lee (our rescue kitty) is extremely violent to all cats except Newman (our other kitty), so no third cat.

We have learned
- We have learned that we need to be open and honest with each other even if we disagree
- We have learned that we are truly in love and there to support each other no matter how our lives change.
- We have learned that after 1 blood test I don't bruise but after 6 in 2 weeks I look like a drug addict
- We have learned that the medical system in Canada is set on preventing pregnancy not encouraging it.
- We have learned that my family has been extremely understanding about our infertility
- We have learned that there is an amazing support network among the Infertile Community
- We have learned that it really is important to us to have a family
- We have learned that where there is a will there is a way, and i will find it!
- We have learned that the few friends I have confided in about our infertility are so amazing and supportive, one even cried when I told her.
- We have learned that we are OK with only 2 cats. Three would only mean more kitty litter.

Finally I have learned on several occasions that if a Doctor tells you it will not hurt, unless they have a cervix, they have no idea if its going to hurt.

On a lighter side I am doing much better. I feel better after the weekends events and am even getting excited about the new baby in our family. I even went out and bought A a baby gift , the Baby Bullet. I know its gonna be hard but a close friend gave me this advice; "Shes not doing it to you on purpose, try and be happy for her and think about the joy of this future little one". My adopted Aunty Sally gives great advise. Thanks all for your support! Oh and I don't have to do the baby shower, I was told in a text that she didn't want me to host it, instead she will wait for her sister, J, living in Singapore to come back and throw her a shower. Skippy for me I just have to go!

Hollow

So the last 24 hours have been the hardest I have had to endure since our adoption fell through. I had the worst ambulance call I have ever had. I have never lost a patient before. To have a person die under your hands left me feeling hollow. But I was pulling myself through and taking care of what needed to be taken care of. I had a wonderful partner with me so we were there for each other, we debriefed and cleaned the blood off and were moving on. This morning I decided to bring up morale by making a thanksgiving dinner (for all of those non-Canadians out there this Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving). We were doing better, able to laugh and joke. That hollow part inside me was filling in, then the sister in law called. A (I have two A and J) she was sorry I was not able to make it to Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, we are going to my family's dinner, and she wanted to give me news. Shes pregnant. 8 weeks along. They have been trying since July. That hollow part inside me filled with this frustrating anger. I know I shouldn't be angry at her, I know I should be happy but at that moment after all that I went through in the last 24 hours I couldn't be. I did the formal niceties, told her I am happy for her and hubby, asked when she was due (start of May), and then told her that I was sorry but I had to get back to work. Good thing I was mashing potatoes at that time, it helped a bit. So I have spent the rest of the day alternating between anger and hollow. The problem is I don't know what is causing it. I don't know if it was last nights events or the news. I know I should be happy for her, this is what she wants and she will be a great mom but I constantly have her in my face and this is just one more thing. One more HUGE thing. Plus it will bring more people asking me why we are not having kids yet (Kay is 8 years older then A). I don't need the constant reminder that we can't thrown in my face. But I knew this was coming, and I thought I was ready. I guess my shields were down.
Now for the hard part. I, the SIN, get to throw her a baby shower. Any suggestions? I am now looking for themes, games, decorations and food ideas. I thought who better to ask then people who are trying for babies of their own. So please give me your suggestions, I really need help on this one because I have no impulse to do anything creative and as the sister to the man I love and the mother of my future niece or nephew she deserves a great party.

Note to Self

Ok note to self "I must not read blogs while teaching, even if I am on break or prep"
Today I heard such wonderful news, two people I follow just found out they are pregnant! Congrats Bernadette and Duane! You are in for a wild ride with TWO Suro moms pregnant one with multiples! Wow so happy for you in made me cry, which is bad while you are at school! And a huge yippy yippy congrats to Temmy I am so happy you got the perfect birthday present! Too bad its gonna take 9 months to unwrap it! But it will be worth the wait.
Both of these wonderful people seem to have started their surrogacy journey around the same time I did. Both has already been to India and now have fantastic results, ok I am just a tiny bit jealous! I followed their journey as they went and came back and have had every toes and finger crossed hoping for good results. Its weird really, I have never met these people and yet I am so excited for them, more so then I am for my face to face friends. But I think it is because we are sharing a very intimate part of our lifes. We are all going through something similar, want something similar and are now on the same journey. We have all experienced a loss of some kind and now share with each other to gain strength. We open our life up and share it so freely on these blogs. Its strange but it makes me stronger.

Panic Attack

I have been reading the different blogs and following peoples journeys their surrogacy and I was thinking about what brings people to that point. Kay and I have been told that without IVF we will likely never conceive. On top of that I have other medical conditions and family history that makes carrying a baby to term difficult and dangerous both for myself and the child. But through all of this I have never even considered that my eggs may not be optimal. Then it hit me, what if on top of everything my eggs are bad, what if I am so "broken" that I can't even contribute that much? What if we spend years trying IVF and only then figure out that my part is the part that doesn't work!? Needless to say I started having a mild panic attack. I didn't think that I could handle another blow. Finding out that we couldn't conceive naturally or with mild assistance was hard, hearing that the adoption wasn't possible was devastating, but I never considered that we could be hit anymore. It took a little while to get myself under control, it would not be good if someone called 911 and the ambulance couldn't come because the attendant was having a panic attack. I had to keep telling myself that we will deal with everything as it comes. That I have no reason to think that our eggs will not be good. After I got control of myself I talked with Kay. He reminded me that all we can do is try, taking everything step by step and that we are in it together. I feel better now.

Flaming Hoops to Jump through

So I had a very frustrating experience today. I got the list of blood work that Dr. Shavani wanted and had my GP order the tests, no big deal. Now comes getting the results. I spend a lot of time at hospitals for work and I travel to different hospitals all over the area. So I am at this very remote hospital and after having my monthly Progesterone test done I asked for a copy of my recent blood results. Well this became a huge issue with them wanted to know why I wanted the results, them refusing to give me my results, them accusing me of trying to change my results to trick my doctor and finally the Administrative assistant of the hospital tell me in 5 different ways in sentences back to back that I should really go and see my doctor and he can explain my results to him and why do I want them without my doctor seeing them with me. But I just kept smiling and saying it is my legal right to see my blood tests and that I want them to please print a copy and that no I will not be leaving today without them. I had to force myself to maintain a relaxed posture, to smile and not get that stone face glare I use on difficult patients. Here is the best part, they called my GP and asked him if I could have the results (so against the rules) so his nurse calls me and asks what is going on. I explained to her in short form that the people in this hospital were putting up hoops for no reason. She agreed and faxed me the paperwork to bypass them. It was too funny. But I find it amazing how many hoops we have to jump through. And it’s amazing that these glorified secretaries and lab techs were so insistent on knowing why I wanted the results. I honestly felt like telling them "Because I can't get pregnant and have to go to India to have another person carry my baby to term and I need these results to find out if I am a good candidate or if we may need an egg donor as well!" hmmm maybe it would have been funny to watch their faces. But then again I have to work with these people and I know how gossip spreads.
On a side note Kay finally told his youngest sister that our adoption was not happening. We have told my sibling and my parents and his parents (we try to do it in person so they feel more free to ask questions). Now I am not a violent person by any means, but I wanted to reach out and bitch slap her so hard. He told her that the adoption was not going to happen and her response was "Good now you can start trying the natural way, I heard that’s way easier!". At this time friends were walking in the door so we couldn't continue the conversation but later when she and I were left to clean up the kitchen alone I decided to clarify her misconception about it being way easier. Now Kay and I have decided not to tell anyone about our plans, we are simply going to go on a vacation to India and if success maybe in the second trimester we might tell a few close friends.
I explained to her that because adoption was no longer possible that we are not able to have kids, that I cannot have kids, "it’s not going to happen I can't have kids" were my exact words.

"Oh" she says "is that because you have endometriosis? Because that can be fixed.".

I didn't feel like elaborating to her, "No its not".

Her response "Because my friend had that and she had kids, maybe you just need a better doctor".

I could barely look at her the rest of the evening. I don't feel like telling her our problems and I don't want her telling me how I just need a different doctor. There I have ranted about her and I am done with it. Trust me she’s not a saint, it seems as soon as she found out that I wasn't going to leave her brother (while we were dating) she stopped putting any effort into being nice to me. Kay tries hard to stop her open rudeness to me but the only way to stop it is to confront her and if I do it she will just assume I am a cow and I know that he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to hurt his sister.
Wow it feels so much better to let that out. Sorry for the rant about my SIL. Needed to let it out, or bitch slap her. I think ranting this way will hurt less feeling.
So I am still trying to find out how to post comments on people’s blogs. I am a slow learner give me time. But I did want to let two people in particular know how excited I am for them. Temmytango I have every toe and finger crossed for you. I get up every morning and check your blog for results. I don't go to bed without checking and hoping for you. Please know that I am sending all my positive thoughts to you right now! And to Rasta Less Traveled Duane and Bernadette I am so excited to your Betas! Yes Mondays are now good days!

When to start?

So Kay and I have a serious conversation last night about when we will travel to India for a fresh transfer. Because of the farm Kay can't leave at certain times of the year. So we were discussing when we can leave and, crossing our fingers, when can we return 9 months later to bring home our newest family member? Mid February to Beginning of June is a no go, and end of July to October are stay at home months. That leaves the beginning of February to travel for a fresh transfer and, crossing toes now, with all the luck and hope in the world traveling in November to bring baby home. Now these dates mean that #1 we get lucky and take the first time #2 our future surromom is able to carry to term. This also gives a bit of give time for a second attempt. That in mind I want to be able to pay for a complete success by the time we travel to India. I don't want surprises, and I don't want to be stuck without money. But we are young; we have only been married for a year and are still paying for my student loans and the house. Add the major house repairs that were desperately needed last summer and the ones this summer I am not sure how I can salvage together the needed funds by February. As Kay points out that if we can't by February then we will need to wait a whole year to try again. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am shocked that so many families are able to afford attempt after attempt for years, or that they try for years just to not succeed. I think about how I felt being told that to see a fertility specialist in our area was a 9 month wait and that was with my Doctor writing a letter saying it was immediate. Or then to be told by the fertility specialist that there was nothing he could do to help me and maybe a specialist 16 hours away might help but that’s another 6 month waiting list before they even call you!
Do you remember when you were a kid and you would look down the empty roll of toilet paper or paper towel? That it seemed like a long way down that dark tunnel before you say daylight. That’s how I feel right now. And my tunnel keeps getting longer and longer. First no one would help me, then we can’t afford to start right away, and finally the farm dictates when we can go. People who have done this for so long must be very strong people.
On a side note I was shocked and happy to see other people commenting on my blog. I started this to track how I felt, maybe give the address to my family when we were ready (so they could stay informed) and maybe make a few friends for when we go to India. I would love to comment on your questions but I am still learning how to. Don't worry I will get the hang of it!  

Building Links

So this morning I woke up to find a wonderful e-mail from Margarida. We then spent the next hour e-mailing back and forth making sure all my tests and paper work was in for Dr. Shivani to go over. Margarida works with DR. Shavani at SCI via e-mail helping new clients. I have to say I have now written directly withMegan, Kerrie and Margarida and all these women have helped so much! I feel so much better about being a Canadian and using SCI after talking to Kerrie. I feel less stressed about myself and MacKay in India (for a fresh harvest and hopefully with fingers crossed and toes crossed to pick up a beautiful miracle bably) since we are both Celiac and have some other food allergies, one of which is starting to compromise my breathing when I eat it. She explained about living in an apartment and making her own food, vs what I have from other blogs from people who stayed in a hotel and ate only resturant food. I also read her blog and am now taking notes on where to shop!
I think the part of my conversation with Margarida that made me smile the most was hearing about her other children and getting to tell her about my boys Newman and Lee. I will have to post pictures of them soon. As Margarida says you can never have too many cats! A woman after my own heart!

Starting off

So I decided to start writing this blog to try and keep track of what we go through to make our family. About a month ago Kay and I decided to try the surrogacy route. We have been told that only through IVF can we ever conceive and based on family history carrying to term will be very difficult. So we were at a point where we were about to give up on kids and just travel. I was searching the internet to find different vacation packages and found an ad for fertility treatment in Thailand. After reading it and further research I found that some people take the surrogacy route in India. I did my research and talked to a few references. I was nervous about going this route but after talking to Kerrie and Mark I felt much more comfortable. So now the paperwork, blood tests and discussions have to start. Small steps towards making our family even bigger.