Back to the Hospital

So I know I should be careful, I know the signs to watch for in case something is going wrong. I know when to go to the hospital and when to wait. Or so I thought. On Monday at work I was picking up the mail and lifted a REALLY heavy box, it was awkward and bulky and I was trying to balance it on my hip (since my belly is now getting bigger) and as I was reaching for the car door I felt this pop in my lower right abdomen. It didn't hurt, it just went pop. I put the box down and got a friend walking past to load it. I spent the rest of the day with a weird sensation in my belly. Yes I know I should have gone in but I am so wired to watch for bleeding (after what happened in December) that I keep thinking that if there is not bleeding nothing is wrong. Tuesday goes by fine; baby is kicking softer than normal. On Wednesday while I am making supper I end up on the floor in stabbing fire burning pain from my lower left abdomen. It comes and goes it waves but if I move it’s blinding pain. Kay shows up halfway through this (but again he’s so wired for bleeding that if there is none we think it’s all ok). Yes at this point I know I should have gone it to the hospital but it goes away after 30 minutes and then it’s just a dull ache in my belly. Thursday is out first prenatal class, they talk about reasons to go the hospital ASAP and one of them is pain in the abdomen. All of this is starting to link up in my head. On Friday I am dressing warm and getting my snowshoe gear on to go snow-shoeing with my mother in law when it all connects. I have felt reduced movement from JJ since Monday (his normal kicking times are almost nonexistent), the pop in my belly, the blinding pain. Crap. I call my doctor and she tells me to head the hospital ASAP and that I need a nonstress test. So I call Kay and we head in. The whole time I keep kicking myself, I should have put this all together faster! I know JJ is still there since he does roll over but the kicking is almost nothing. When I walk into the ER I explain what is happening and they rush me to obstetrics for a nonstress test. JJ has a heartbeat of 145 and at this moment he decided to get the hiccups so I can really feel him. The nurse is awesome (I want her there for when I deliver)! She tells me JJ is moving but very slowly. We go and see the doctor, who it turns out is the other doctor treating my prenatally (I have never met him but he is the C-section specialist in town and I have an appointment with him in 4 weeks). He looks at my nonstress test and feels my belly. I didn't notice before but I have swelling where the pop was. First he thinks it’s a pulled muscle. I tell him it’s not. I can lift my legs and stretch and have no problems at all with the muscles. This problem is deep inside. So he checks me over again and finds a painful spot. Turns out I ruptured a cyst while carrying the box and on Wednesday it started leaking blood into my abdomen. Crap I knew I recognized those sensations (I have had that happen a few times, once putting my in the hospital). He wants to monitor JJ's movements but he thinks that since JJ just grew that is why he’s moving slow. But I have kick counts to do every day and I do not get to lift over 20 pounds till told other side. I spent the entire drive back promising Kay that any changes I would tell him about and we would discuss them with him. I am just so happy JJ is ok. I know I should have known better and from now on I will be very careful. I just don't want any more hospital visits (getting tired of peeing in a cup and giving blood).   

Coming out of the nursery

So we came out of the nursery last week. That is to say we finally let people other then immediate family and a few very close friends know that we are pregnant. We sat down on the phone and started by calling my grnadfather. I knew this would be a difficult one since his hearing is not the best and he does get confused at times. It took him a minute to understand that it was not my sisters baby I was talking about but that infact Kay and I are having a baby as well, telling him I am pregant did work the first 3 times. He was overjoyed and then shocked to find out how far along we were. The following calls mostly involved happyness and shock, followed by a bit of more shock and annoyance that we waited to almost the halfway point before telling people. But considering how amazing this baby is I didnt want to risk having everyone know I lost JJ. I had a conversation with my brother in law about that same thing (he is the one who prompted the big reveal since he and my dad do not seem to understand how to keep a secret and were telling people). My brother in law told me that he and my sister were scared about losing thier baby as well, especially considering that my sister had the same for of cancer I had but she has been cancer free for 4 years (they dont know I have it as well and I am not willing to tell them). I couldnèt bring myself to tell him that mine is more advanced and that she is now cancer free and has been cancer free for long enough they donèt think it will come back, I am not in that boat. I was so scared to tell people, I felt that if I tell people JJ might go away, I kept having this terrible dream where JJ was just a joke or a mistake someone played on me and that JJ never existed. I dont think I could handle having to tell all those people that we are not having a baby anymore, even worse I couldnt handle having people ask me later on when we are trying again. That is the fear that wakes me up at night.
But this has been a good week! I have had an appoitnment with my cancer specialist, who was shocked to hear I was pregnant. He told me that from my test 2 months ago to my test now that not only has my cancer not spread but it appears to be shrinking! He thinks that once baby is out that simple surgury can remove it all without any damage to me and I get to keep all my insides. I was so relieved.
My second appointment was with an acupunctuist who is teaching Kay pressure points to help with pain during childbirth. It was interesting and he taught Kay places to rub on my now that will help relax me and are safe during pregnancy. Backrubs score!
My third appointment  (starting to feel like a piece of meat) was an ultrasound. This was so neat! We got to see pictures of JJs arms and legs and even his face. They checked his heart and his spine. They did everything. To bad he refused to cooperate! I warned her that 2pm was playtime and he would not stop till 3:30! So she fought and fought to get a still picture and at 3:25 he rolled over and went to sleep just as she was finishing and wanting a side shot. We tried everything, if I pat my belly he wakes up, nope, if I roll to my left then right fast he will roll over, yep then he rolled back. So she gave up and sent up on our way with the report to the doctor.
The fourth appointment was a monthly prenatal with my doctor. Kay got to come to this one as well so it was nice. Dr. says everythign is on track, I have good wieght gain (I am feeling pudgy and big already) JJs size is good and he is moving lots. The placenta is a bit low and she will watch it but I am still small and its still early. JJ has a mild irreguality on his kidneys that she wants to watch but she thinks it will clear up before he is born. I have decided not to worry about it at all. I have had enough worring with JJ and hes still here. Hes healthy, big and likes to make my belly button move early in the morning. I am starting to show and enjoying feeling him kick from teh outside (Kays only felt this once and very lightly). Other then the nursery is still not started I am not stressing at all.
In other news I have been terrible to comment on peoples blogs. I do read them but I just do not have the time to add comments. I am sorry and I will try harder in the future.

4 Months!

So I find it hard to write a posting for my blog. I found all the support I got just so amazing, I actually started to cry (several times). I blame it on the hormones, I can't watch a commercial or listen to the radio without crying. Its weird this is so not me. Kay just teases me and tells me that finally I am the girl in the relationship (he cries in movies). Well today I hit 4 months! So happy, I can't believe I made it this far. So far JJ is doing awesome, hes growing great, has a heart rate of 160 bpm and I have not had any cramping or bleeding since December. My doctor says that's a good sign but we are not allowed to have sex till I hit month 5 just in case. I did get expected and shocking news on Thursday from my doctor. The last set of tests shows my cancer has started to spread. So far JJ is not at risk but I have to go see a specialist in 2 weeks to talk about treatment and options. This doctor will be able to give me a better idea of how far it has spread and when JJ may be at risk. We knew this was a possibility and I am ready to deal with it. Friday it my first official day of Mat Leave. I have been pulled from the ambulance service to possible complications, I don't really mind since this means I get better sleep and eat regular meals. I also started me job as a librarian on the 9th. Its new, easy, and frustrating at the same time. But it will be good for myself and JJ in the long run. Very unexpectedly I had to inform my principle that I was 4 months pregnant. I heard a rumour in town that there was a case of fifth disease at the school, this can cause miscarriages in pregnant women. So I called him Friday night and asked if it was true. He told me it was nothing to worry about that most people get over it fast and I had nothing to worry about that only pregnant women need to worry. Then there was a long pause on the phone and he asked me if there was reason to worry. I told him I was 4 months pregnant and it is a problem. I think I shocked him, since I am not showing at all and am in fact still losing weight. But he was very understanding and quickly organised that I had Monday off to talk to my doctor. I went in on Saturday and found out I have the antibodies and am completely safe. After he kept asking me if I was 2 months pregnant or 2 and a half. He also assured me that my pregnancy would not affect my job prospects and he congratulated me. I am glad I have him as a supervisor, I know he will make the next few months very easy for me.
I am continually glad to read about all of the growing babies and want to pass on baby dust to all those hopefuls out there. I spend time every day scanning posts to follow how people are doing. I have also found that so many out there are great at doing research and finding the best baby products and tips. I will definitely be needing that soon since we will start picking up baby items in a month (I need to see the specialist and have 1 more ultrasound before we announce we are pregnant).
Good luck to everyone out there!

New Year Uncertain Direction

I started this blog to follow our journey as we stepped into Gestational Surrogacy in India. But now I am so confused, we did the impossible and won the lottery, I am due July 3. I felt that when I started this Blog I was so welcomed into the Surrogacy community, with open hearts and arms. I felt that I had found a community to openly share our sorrow, hopes and dreams with. A place where I could document our progress. Yet now I am unsure. I have never felt anything but support and kindness from everyone I have encountered. But I am  not sure how I fit into this community anymore. We did the impossible and are expecting JJ in July and I feel like every time I post I am insulting these wonderful members of this community. Ever pregnancy change, every ultrasound I feel as if I am rubbing misfortune in your faces. When we had our scare 2 weeks ago the most support we received was from this wonderful blog community. My mom said it was nothing, my in laws are terrified and want me on bed rest and my sister told me not to be such a complainer and suck it up. But I got helpful suggestions, words of encouragement and honest understanding from those out there in blogger land. This is why I am torn. I feel as if I should keep telling our story not just to follow through with what I started but for my own mental health. Just the act of writing about our scare made me feel better. I think I am going to need that. But I am not sure and so confused right now. I quess I better make a decision soon.