Breath

Guess I will come out and say it. I am 2 weeks late. So I took an at home test. Its positive. I think I am pregnant. The odds are staggering. The emotions are racing. We are leaving in 1 week for our Long awaited Honeymoon. Then as we fly back I am seeing a specialist to do an ultra sound and cyst count to see if my PCOS is getting worse. I think we will wait and if the ultra sound shows a little growing Kay jr. then we will know. But I have unusual hormones that can cause a false positive.
But so cannot sleep right now. I keep thinking if this is really happening, will I carry to term, will this affect my Cancer. SO scared right now. Kay is keeping a level head. He says wait and see what the ultra sound says and the doctor will be there to discuss it with us. I say .... breath.

One Year

So it has been about one year ago this week that Kay and I decided to start trying for a baby. We have had our ups and downs, but through all of it I have never doubted that he is the love of my life. We had no idea that a year after deciding to start trying we would be saving up to travel to India to have a surrogate carry our child to term. Its amazing what can happen in a year.

What we knew at the time
 - That adoption was an option for us and we were OK with that
 - That even though I had never tried to conceive getting pregnant would be hard
 - That my medical history made carring to term possibly risky
 - That to make up for the lack of children we would get a third cat
 - That we were both OK with the idea of never being parents, and instead "traveling and living an adult life" was a possible idea.

What we didn't know
  - We didn't know that it would take so long to see a specialist, let along 3
  - We didn't know that my Semen allergy was not treatable by a few pills
  - We didn't know that we would have to see more then 1 fertility specialist because my conditions are so rare.
- We didn't know that our attempt to adopt would hurt us so bably when we found out we couldn't
- We didn't know it was so expensive to receive fertility treatments in Canada
- We didn't know that it would be so hard to have people start asking us when we were going to start having babies.
- We didn't know that Lee (our rescue kitty) is extremely violent to all cats except Newman (our other kitty), so no third cat.

We have learned
- We have learned that we need to be open and honest with each other even if we disagree
- We have learned that we are truly in love and there to support each other no matter how our lives change.
- We have learned that after 1 blood test I don't bruise but after 6 in 2 weeks I look like a drug addict
- We have learned that the medical system in Canada is set on preventing pregnancy not encouraging it.
- We have learned that my family has been extremely understanding about our infertility
- We have learned that there is an amazing support network among the Infertile Community
- We have learned that it really is important to us to have a family
- We have learned that where there is a will there is a way, and i will find it!
- We have learned that the few friends I have confided in about our infertility are so amazing and supportive, one even cried when I told her.
- We have learned that we are OK with only 2 cats. Three would only mean more kitty litter.

Finally I have learned on several occasions that if a Doctor tells you it will not hurt, unless they have a cervix, they have no idea if its going to hurt.

On a lighter side I am doing much better. I feel better after the weekends events and am even getting excited about the new baby in our family. I even went out and bought A a baby gift , the Baby Bullet. I know its gonna be hard but a close friend gave me this advice; "Shes not doing it to you on purpose, try and be happy for her and think about the joy of this future little one". My adopted Aunty Sally gives great advise. Thanks all for your support! Oh and I don't have to do the baby shower, I was told in a text that she didn't want me to host it, instead she will wait for her sister, J, living in Singapore to come back and throw her a shower. Skippy for me I just have to go!

Hollow

So the last 24 hours have been the hardest I have had to endure since our adoption fell through. I had the worst ambulance call I have ever had. I have never lost a patient before. To have a person die under your hands left me feeling hollow. But I was pulling myself through and taking care of what needed to be taken care of. I had a wonderful partner with me so we were there for each other, we debriefed and cleaned the blood off and were moving on. This morning I decided to bring up morale by making a thanksgiving dinner (for all of those non-Canadians out there this Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving). We were doing better, able to laugh and joke. That hollow part inside me was filling in, then the sister in law called. A (I have two A and J) she was sorry I was not able to make it to Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, we are going to my family's dinner, and she wanted to give me news. Shes pregnant. 8 weeks along. They have been trying since July. That hollow part inside me filled with this frustrating anger. I know I shouldn't be angry at her, I know I should be happy but at that moment after all that I went through in the last 24 hours I couldn't be. I did the formal niceties, told her I am happy for her and hubby, asked when she was due (start of May), and then told her that I was sorry but I had to get back to work. Good thing I was mashing potatoes at that time, it helped a bit. So I have spent the rest of the day alternating between anger and hollow. The problem is I don't know what is causing it. I don't know if it was last nights events or the news. I know I should be happy for her, this is what she wants and she will be a great mom but I constantly have her in my face and this is just one more thing. One more HUGE thing. Plus it will bring more people asking me why we are not having kids yet (Kay is 8 years older then A). I don't need the constant reminder that we can't thrown in my face. But I knew this was coming, and I thought I was ready. I guess my shields were down.
Now for the hard part. I, the SIN, get to throw her a baby shower. Any suggestions? I am now looking for themes, games, decorations and food ideas. I thought who better to ask then people who are trying for babies of their own. So please give me your suggestions, I really need help on this one because I have no impulse to do anything creative and as the sister to the man I love and the mother of my future niece or nephew she deserves a great party.

Note to Self

Ok note to self "I must not read blogs while teaching, even if I am on break or prep"
Today I heard such wonderful news, two people I follow just found out they are pregnant! Congrats Bernadette and Duane! You are in for a wild ride with TWO Suro moms pregnant one with multiples! Wow so happy for you in made me cry, which is bad while you are at school! And a huge yippy yippy congrats to Temmy I am so happy you got the perfect birthday present! Too bad its gonna take 9 months to unwrap it! But it will be worth the wait.
Both of these wonderful people seem to have started their surrogacy journey around the same time I did. Both has already been to India and now have fantastic results, ok I am just a tiny bit jealous! I followed their journey as they went and came back and have had every toes and finger crossed hoping for good results. Its weird really, I have never met these people and yet I am so excited for them, more so then I am for my face to face friends. But I think it is because we are sharing a very intimate part of our lifes. We are all going through something similar, want something similar and are now on the same journey. We have all experienced a loss of some kind and now share with each other to gain strength. We open our life up and share it so freely on these blogs. Its strange but it makes me stronger.

Panic Attack

I have been reading the different blogs and following peoples journeys their surrogacy and I was thinking about what brings people to that point. Kay and I have been told that without IVF we will likely never conceive. On top of that I have other medical conditions and family history that makes carrying a baby to term difficult and dangerous both for myself and the child. But through all of this I have never even considered that my eggs may not be optimal. Then it hit me, what if on top of everything my eggs are bad, what if I am so "broken" that I can't even contribute that much? What if we spend years trying IVF and only then figure out that my part is the part that doesn't work!? Needless to say I started having a mild panic attack. I didn't think that I could handle another blow. Finding out that we couldn't conceive naturally or with mild assistance was hard, hearing that the adoption wasn't possible was devastating, but I never considered that we could be hit anymore. It took a little while to get myself under control, it would not be good if someone called 911 and the ambulance couldn't come because the attendant was having a panic attack. I had to keep telling myself that we will deal with everything as it comes. That I have no reason to think that our eggs will not be good. After I got control of myself I talked with Kay. He reminded me that all we can do is try, taking everything step by step and that we are in it together. I feel better now.