So the last 24 hours have been the hardest I have had to endure since our adoption fell through. I had the worst ambulance call I have ever had. I have never lost a patient before. To have a person die under your hands left me feeling hollow. But I was pulling myself through and taking care of what needed to be taken care of. I had a wonderful partner with me so we were there for each other, we debriefed and cleaned the blood off and were moving on. This morning I decided to bring up morale by making a thanksgiving dinner (for all of those non-Canadians out there this Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving). We were doing better, able to laugh and joke. That hollow part inside me was filling in, then the sister in law called. A (I have two A and J) she was sorry I was not able to make it to Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, we are going to my family's dinner, and she wanted to give me news. Shes pregnant. 8 weeks along. They have been trying since July. That hollow part inside me filled with this frustrating anger. I know I shouldn't be angry at her, I know I should be happy but at that moment after all that I went through in the last 24 hours I couldn't be. I did the formal niceties, told her I am happy for her and hubby, asked when she was due (start of May), and then told her that I was sorry but I had to get back to work. Good thing I was mashing potatoes at that time, it helped a bit. So I have spent the rest of the day alternating between anger and hollow. The problem is I don't know what is causing it. I don't know if it was last nights events or the news. I know I should be happy for her, this is what she wants and she will be a great mom but I constantly have her in my face and this is just one more thing. One more HUGE thing. Plus it will bring more people asking me why we are not having kids yet (Kay is 8 years older then A). I don't need the constant reminder that we can't thrown in my face. But I knew this was coming, and I thought I was ready. I guess my shields were down.
Now for the hard part. I, the SIN, get to throw her a baby shower. Any suggestions? I am now looking for themes, games, decorations and food ideas. I thought who better to ask then people who are trying for babies of their own. So please give me your suggestions, I really need help on this one because I have no impulse to do anything creative and as the sister to the man I love and the mother of my future niece or nephew she deserves a great party.
Hugs to you! We have all been there. I have found that honesty is the best route. I had a tough time explaining why I wasn't enthused about friends and SILs baby showers when were first dealing with infertility, and it definitely created tension. Now, I've even shared my blog with them and it has helped them understand what I go through. We are much closer because of it, and everyone has been so much more sensitive. If this isn't an option, can you just throw it at a restaurant and delegate duties-- so that you are not so involved?
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog! Thanks for the honorable mentions in a few posts. I am sorry to read about your loss and having a hard time. I hope that making a Thanksgiving meal helped as a distraction and you were able to enjoy some of the day.
ReplyDeletehey jean, been trying to send you a message but cant seem to post on any blog but guess its fine now. thank you for the well wishes.dont stress yourself too much and if the party is not too convenient for you, you can always cook up a story.i have pleased too many people in my life without anyone really giving a toss about me. put yourself first hun!!!
ReplyDeleteHold your head up and delegate!. I had to throw a baby shower for a close friend too and I ended up delegating much of it out - at least I had control over something!. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete